When I ask you who you are, you will begin by telling
me what you do, what you love and maybe even your favourite sports team. Then, if I
know you a bit better you will reveal to me a deeper part of your identity- the
things you see and love about yourself, things that aren’t evident on the
surface: your intentions. You will begin to explain to me what you do and why
you do it. You will tell me about dreams you have, about things you want to
achieve or the real reason why you acted the way you did towards your
boss/waiter/friend/mother-in-law. You will want to explain to me why bad
behavior doesn’t make you a bad person and how you will give money to charity
one day- when you have enough.
To explain where I’m going with this, let me tell you a
quick story. When I was 17 I went on a leadership camp in school before prefect
selection (I was in Gr11 and back then, becoming a prefect was of course the
biggest deal in the world). Now, I had been in this school since I was 9 years
old so I figured the teachers knew me pretty well and could see my character,
as it was a small school and I had known them for quite some time (but let me
not bore you with details). At the time, I had a relatively good perception of
myself and my ability to lead. I was young, sassy and opinionated and I had
dreams of changing the world (which I still do). But needless to say, my
teachers didn’t quite see me that way and subsequently, I didn’t become a prefect. I was shattered, my identity was questioned,
and I was left wondering if anything I believed about myself was true.
Looking back, even though the memory has definitely lost
the identity shaking sting it had when I was 17, the reason why I was so shaken
by others not confirming what I thought to be my identity makes quite a lot of
sense. I did not want to admit this reason to myself as it had particularly
humbling consequences for my self-image; but nether-the-less I came to terms
with the fact that I had been (and at times still am) drawing my identity from
my intentions. I believed that just because I had the desire to do good, I was
good. Because these intentions were my identity, I was always offended when
other people did not see these things in me. But then it hit me- I had shown no
one any evidence of my intentions. They could not see this person I believed
myself to be because that identity was only existent within the confines of my
own mind. If I wanted people to see who I was, I needed to make my intentions
evident by demonstrating them in what I did. If I believed myself to be a
generous person, I should have given; if I believed myself to be a leader, I
should have stepped out in leadership.
I like to
believe that I’m not alone in this. This is something we do all the time and it
has severe consequences for our perceptions of ourselves and our relationships
with the people around us.
As people cannot see our intentions, neither can we see
theirs. We see their actions as a true reflection of who they are; and
therefore we make character judgments of a person based on how they behave. For
example: this morning when you cut that car off in traffic was because you were
running late and wanted to be on-time for work; but when that car cut in front
of you, well that’s because he’s an inconsiderate _____ (insert preferred word here). We have an abundance of excuses
for ourselves for whenever we act badly- as we can justify our behavior by the
intentions that only we can see; and at the same time, we don’t extend this
grace to others.
Now, you may ask the question that if this is how
others see you, should you just ignore their opinion because surely your true
identity lies in the way you see yourself? The answer to this question is also
relatively simple- no. This is why: we are often disillusioned with our own
identities. We construct our ideas of ourselves by combining all the traits we
want to believe about ourselves and simply ignoring or justifying the traits
that we don’t. Therefore, hearing another person’s opinion about who you are
and what you stand for is probably the most useful piece of information you can
receive- if it is given honestly. This is because hearing the opinion of even
one other person shatters the monotony of our own reference point. We suddenly
have the challenge to resolve the difference between our identity as perceived
by the self and our identity as perceived by the other.
From all of this, I’ve come to the resolve that my identity
does not lie wholly in either who I believe myself to be nor who others
perceive me to be; but that am a combination of my self-witnessed intentions
and my publically-witnessed actions. Therefore, the more my actions reflect my
good intentions, the more coherence there will be in who I am.
How do I do this
you ask? Well, I reflect on what others say, asses their validity, and see if
it speaks truth. I admit to myself when my behavior does not accurately reflect
my intentions to the people around me; I’m willing to own it and admit that it
was my own fault. Lastly, I stop justifying my actions when they are not a
reflection of who I am and continuously work on making sure what I do demonstrates
my intentions; and I now challenge you to do the same.
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