Tuesday 11 March 2014

And Action! The Making of Identity

When I ask you who you are, you will begin by telling me what you do, what you love and maybe even your favourite sports team. Then, if I know you a bit better you will reveal to me a deeper part of your identity- the things you see and love about yourself, things that aren’t evident on the surface: your intentions. You will begin to explain to me what you do and why you do it. You will tell me about dreams you have, about things you want to achieve or the real reason why you acted the way you did towards your boss/waiter/friend/mother-in-law. You will want to explain to me why bad behavior doesn’t make you a bad person and how you will give money to charity one day- when you have enough.

To explain where I’m going with this, let me tell you a quick story. When I was 17 I went on a leadership camp in school before prefect selection (I was in Gr11 and back then, becoming a prefect was of course the biggest deal in the world). Now, I had been in this school since I was 9 years old so I figured the teachers knew me pretty well and could see my character, as it was a small school and I had known them for quite some time (but let me not bore you with details). At the time, I had a relatively good perception of myself and my ability to lead. I was young, sassy and opinionated and I had dreams of changing the world (which I still do). But needless to say, my teachers didn’t quite see me that way and subsequently, I didn’t become a prefect.  I was shattered, my identity was questioned, and I was left wondering if anything I believed about myself was true.

Looking back, even though the memory has definitely lost the identity shaking sting it had when I was 17, the reason why I was so shaken by others not confirming what I thought to be my identity makes quite a lot of sense. I did not want to admit this reason to myself as it had particularly humbling consequences for my self-image; but nether-the-less I came to terms with the fact that I had been (and at times still am) drawing my identity from my intentions. I believed that just because I had the desire to do good, I was good. Because these intentions were my identity, I was always offended when other people did not see these things in me. But then it hit me- I had shown no one any evidence of my intentions. They could not see this person I believed myself to be because that identity was only existent within the confines of my own mind. If I wanted people to see who I was, I needed to make my intentions evident by demonstrating them in what I did. If I believed myself to be a generous person, I should have given; if I believed myself to be a leader, I should have stepped out in leadership.

 I like to believe that I’m not alone in this. This is something we do all the time and it has severe consequences for our perceptions of ourselves and our relationships with the people around us.
As people cannot see our intentions, neither can we see theirs. We see their actions as a true reflection of who they are; and therefore we make character judgments of a person based on how they behave. For example: this morning when you cut that car off in traffic was because you were running late and wanted to be on-time for work; but when that car cut in front of you, well that’s because he’s an inconsiderate _____ (insert preferred  word here). We have an abundance of excuses for ourselves for whenever we act badly- as we can justify our behavior by the intentions that only we can see; and at the same time, we don’t extend this grace to others.

Now, you may ask the question that if this is how others see you, should you just ignore their opinion because surely your true identity lies in the way you see yourself? The answer to this question is also relatively simple- no. This is why: we are often disillusioned with our own identities. We construct our ideas of ourselves by combining all the traits we want to believe about ourselves and simply ignoring or justifying the traits that we don’t. Therefore, hearing another person’s opinion about who you are and what you stand for is probably the most useful piece of information you can receive- if it is given honestly. This is because hearing the opinion of even one other person shatters the monotony of our own reference point. We suddenly have the challenge to resolve the difference between our identity as perceived by the self and our identity as perceived by the other.
From all of this, I’ve come to the resolve that my identity does not lie wholly in either who I believe myself to be nor who others perceive me to be; but that am a combination of my self-witnessed intentions and my publically-witnessed actions. Therefore, the more my actions reflect my good intentions, the more coherence there will be in who I am.

 How do I do this you ask? Well, I reflect on what others say, asses their validity, and see if it speaks truth. I admit to myself when my behavior does not accurately reflect my intentions to the people around me; I’m willing to own it and admit that it was my own fault. Lastly, I stop justifying my actions when they are not a reflection of who I am and continuously work on making sure what I do demonstrates my intentions; and I now challenge you to do the same. 

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